My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
