I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
