i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
