What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
