There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
