You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
