Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
