hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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