Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
