Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently you make a good broom.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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