i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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