omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
