we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
