he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
