Ambien. No doubt about it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
