a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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