if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
