He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
