seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
