My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
