I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
