You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
