Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
