my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
