is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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