I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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