Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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