So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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