Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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