tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
