he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
