If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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