Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
