Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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