I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
