I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
