STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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