I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
