and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
