I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
