awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
