I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
