did you get engaged???
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
