You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
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