i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
