and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
