I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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