Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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