I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
