She went from zero to smokin in five shots
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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