Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
